I'm Intercontinental When I Eat French Toast

I tried to make French Toast tonight. Tried. I've made French Toast many, many times. Every time its as lame as the previous attempt.

I simply can not cook. I can, in theory. I know what I'm supposed to do. I know the basics. I understand logic. I can recognize simple equations such as high heat can equal burnt outer yet inner soggy-nasty-ness. There is just something about the kitchen that renders me tard-like.

Normally I would just stick to what I know I'm good at: cocktails, appetizers, wine n cheese type displays, generally things that don't involve using heat to transmogrify ingredients into edible food. But ya know, cooking for oneself is kind of an essential skill. Without Mike to mastermind all my eating I'd probably be.............skinny. Bastid!